11-30-05 2:23am
i am from nj and nj is looking for a slogan -oh jeeez

from yahoo:
Gov. Richard Codey rejected a consultant's recommendation - New Jersey: We'll Win You Over - as too negative. That slogan, developed as part of a $260,000 US contract by global image consultants Lippincott Mercer, was shelved a day before it was to be unveiled.

Instead, the state opened the process to the public, establishing a website and telephone hotline to receive suggestions, which included the lyrical (The Ocean, The Motion, The Magic) along with the satirical.

New Jersey, which once used New Jersey and You: Perfect Together, has not had a new marketing slogan in four years. Get Away, Without Going Far Away has been used in the interim, but tourism officials say it does not resonate with out-of-staters.

so here are my goofy ideas:

new jersey: come for the ocean, stay for the crack
new jersey: you'll get used to the smell
new jersey: we have gambling
new jersey: were more than just an airport
new jersey: enjoy our pope approved govenor
new jersey: birthplace of applebees
new jersey: buy your mattress and go home
new jersey: home of new yorks football teams
new jersey: you sit in car, i pump gas
new jersey: where no one can smell your farts
new jersey: stop and pay one of our many tolls
new jersey: were looking at you california
new jersey: so many people... so little space
new jersey: you dont wanna know what we did with old jersey
new jersey: birthplace of stench
new jersey: bring us your oily rags
new jersey: pay your parking or traffic ticket from the comfort of home!
new jersey: if you can breath here, you can breath anywhere
new jersey: 190 exits of fun
new jersey: i heard sarah's brothers gay
new jersey: corruption fever - CATCH IT!

11-29-05 1:10pm
the story of rick • part I

Rick Bartow was born a poor Armestian boy of New English descent. At birth, he weighed an unprecedented 12 pounds forty-seven ounces, had webbed arms, and was blessed with twenty-seven teeth growing out of the back portion of his skull. The elderly Brazilian woman who delivered him called him Shytikvally (the nephew of the devil), and she quickly joined a traveling freak show calling herself 'Shytikvally un prosgonad' (the woman who delivered the nephew of the devil). She is now retired and living in Florida.

Growing up in a makeshift tree house, Bartow had a traditional Armestian childhood. Every night his mother Elizaphina would sing to him the sweet melodies of the Ancients, and Rick would cry and cry until his father, Bleckman, would beat him unmercifully with a stretch arm strong doll... until he passed out from the pain. Then, in the cold dark silence of this old New England town, Bartow would dream of a day when he could sing country songs about workin' at the Wiz. The seeds were planted. The melodies began... more to come

11-29-05 10:40am
emusic is awesome • check it out

okay, here is the deal, emusic is awesome. first of all, you can sign up, download 50 free mp3's and then cancel. keep your mp3's no problem. so there you go, 50 free mp3s.
i did this to start and remained a member and now i get 40 mp3's a month. it's totally worth it.

if you don't cancel, its like $9.99 a month and you can download 40 songs a month. so its like a third the price of itunes. they have like 700,000 songs. so if you feel like checking out 50 new songs. click the banner below or to the left.

• transfer your music to any desktop Works with all portable music players and
  digital devices (including the ipod and ass pod)
• unlimited cd burning
• download your music to multiple computers
• best per track cost after the free trial:
  emusic's subscription model offers tracks as low as 22 cents each!

start downloading your FREE MP3s today and take two weeks to decide if you like eMusic. If you're not 100% satisfied simply cancel before your trial period ends and you'll never pay a dime.
keep the 50 FREE MP3s as a gift just for checking out emusic.

11-26-05 4:34pm
save this show
fox has "cancelled" arrested development again
click here to sign a petition to keep arrested development it on the air

 

11-21-05 6:47pm
big pussy actually is a big pussy (read the actual yahoo story here)
"The Sopranos"- the show that takes so long between seasons that it was written into the script that the children have that disease that makes them age rapidly - is still making headlines during its 4 year hiatus.

Here is the deal...

Actor Vincent Pastore,

(who originally played the character "giant vagina" but then had his characters name changed to "big pussy" since at the time "giant vagina" was an up and coming brit pop band that actually ended up changing their name to "coldplay")

pleaded guilty Monday to attempting to assault a former girlfriend last spring.

Pastore, 59, was accused of attacking Lisa Regina, 44, during an argument in Little Italy
(alternate headline was big pussy's little italy girlfriend bash)

Prosecutors said he punched her in the back of the head, grabbed her hair and forced her head down on a car's gear shift. (saying, "you want gandolfini's cock, here you go, here's gandolfini's freakin cock bitch.") witnesses also heard him shout, "for the last time, I played big pussy not a big pussy, now tell me for real, do you think tom cruise knows my name?"

11-21-05 3:53am
SEXUALLY-EXPLICIT: considering obituaries, repeated killings saddened brewers.

so if you're like me. you probably wake up in the afternoon with chunks of hamburger meat in your beard, half drawn KORN tattoos on your back, and 11 messages on your cell phone (all from yourself and all saying " you should quit drinking and become an underwater welder") and think to yourself, "what will it be today? finish that quilt, or play 3D bible trivia with aunt gloria?" and if you are like me you say, "neither, let's check the email" and then it's a front row seat for the crazy subject line parade.

below are actual subjects from spam that i get:

SEXUALLY-EXPLICIT: coast killings ideas values christian at jeanne internet UaJ5aImrC5M

what? oh jeanne internet, yeah i met her in seattle. she threatened to kill my christian values with her west coast ideas. but she was totally hot and barely legal.

SEXUALLY-EXPLICIT: throwing downing saddened singapore blocks to performed tech sheets august d5cx.BXeFOU

but ever since i saw legally blonde II, throwing downing saddens me as well. i just can't believe it took blocks to perform tech sheets? those must be the biggest tech sheets ever!

SEXUALLY-EXPLICIT: basis africa militia leisure wife to emerged considering independent screaming t8fRLKA4EDY

i don't think the fact that the screaming is "independent" makes it any less creepy, but at least the militia is enjoying some leisure

SEXUALLY-EXPLICIT: fail obituaries peter appearance spoken in african recognize leader president nHaf2Hlw2Us

what they are trying to say here is that peter moved to africa with dreams of becoming an obituary writer, but failed when he neglected to recognize the president. and also there is a gangbang.

SEXUALLY-EXPLICIT: brewers next doubling pages trying at peninsula mudslides bills insurer fo6wvOUuwLE

wow they have some nerve billing the insurer for the mudslide when they live on a freakin peninsula. it's common sense people.

SEXUALLY-EXPLICIT: kurds repeated case thinks additional to dealt austin club xL6IxDAAlPQ

club xL6IxDAAlPQ was doomed from the day they named it. and if you can't make it austin, you aint gonna make it in phoenix.

ok so you see how crazy these are. they are so obscure that it almost seems like someone is sending out a message in code.

SEXUALLY-EXPLICIT: basis africa militia leisure wife to emerged considering independent screaming t8fRLKA4EDY
SEXUALLY-EXPLICIT: fail obituaries peter appearance spoken in african recognize leader president nHaf2Hlw2Us
SEXUALLY-EXPLICIT: kurds repeated case thinks additional to dealt austin club xL6IxDAAlPQ
SEXUALLY-EXPLICIT: coast killings ideas values christian at jeanne internet UaJ5aImrC5M
SEXUALLY-EXPLICIT: throwing downing saddened singapore blocks to performed tech sheets august d5cx.BXeFOU
SEXUALLY-EXPLICIT: brewers next doubling pages trying at peninsula mudslides bills insurer fo6wvOUuwLE

oh my god, considering obituaries, repeated killings saddened brewers.

i must let the people at the institute know immediately.

11-21-05 1:24am
amanda and rick: an actual excerpt from a dell sales support IM

Amanda we're located in roundrock, texas. by the way, what type of payments are u going to use in ordering a system online?

rick do you accept pebbles and beads?

Amanda im sorry. what do u mean by that?

rick like a trade
rick i have pebbles and beads
rick you have computers?

Amanda oh okay. trade-ins?
Amanda yes,we do
Amanda but we dont have a trade - in program for that matter.

rick thats ok
rick what do suggest i use to pay?

Amanda is this your first time ordering a computer from dell?

rick i think so
rick should i use cash?
rick just put a whole bunch of cash in an envelope and send it out?

Amanda oh. if i may ask, i recommend u apply for the dell preferred account since we actually have a promotion for that
Amanda which is "no interest till "

rick is that a credit card?
rick but i have interest now
rick i am already interested?
rick are you the dell guy?

Amanda i am an emploee of dell.
Amanda *employee

rick i was gonna send a big wad of cash in an envelope
rick where should i send it?
rick I am old

Amanda You can use this link and apply if you wish
http//www.us.dell.com/content/topics/segtopic.aspx/dpa_learnmore?c=us&cs=&l=en&s=dhs&~lt=popup

rick its all bue
rick what does that mean?

Amanda are u saying it's all blue?

rick yes

Amanda the link is the one u will need to click for our dell preferred account.

rick oh i dont like the sound of that
rick i was gonna pay for it
rick i dont plan on taking over a year to pay

Amanda if u get to qualified for our dell preferred account promtion, it will be interest free and it's the same as paying in cash

rick stop trying to sell that to me
rick jeeeez

Amanda okay. coz the only option u have is to use a credit card or debit card.

rick oh
rick so i cant send cash?

Amanda yes, we don't accept money order.

rick no
rick cash
rick cold hard cash

Amanda it's not recommended since it will cause delay on the shipping.

rick ahhhhhhh
rick but i can

Amanda right. i understand. however we don't accept that type of payment.

rick :)
rick good times Amanda

Amanda right.

rick good times

Amanda are u ready to order the system online now?

rick good question

Amanda ahuh

rick i was gonna print it out and send it with the cash
rick ahuh
rick what is this? ahuh?

Amanda oh i am sorry for that, rick.
Amanda it's just like the :)
Amanda smile :)

rick no problemo
rick where are you located?

Amanda we're located in roundrock, texas.
Amanda by the way, if you'll gonna send the printed material of the system configuration with cash, we may not accept that. since it may delay the shipping and we also have to build the computer first before ordering.

rick well i hope you will send the cash back
rick you are in texas?

Amanda yes

rick how is the weather?

Amanda i am a real filipina, but i am just working here in texas for dell.
Amanda the weather is good.

rick i play in a band with a whole buch of filipino guys
rick P.I.C

Amanda i suppose u will not be sending the cash since it will only be inconvenient for you

rick we'll see

Amanda oh, that's nice to know.

rick you ever hear of P.I.C?
rick comedy central?

Amanda not that i can think of.
Amanda nope

rick television?

Amanda nope

rick never heard of television?

Amanda never heard of the band name from TV

rick well check it out
rick http//www.picscape.com

Amanda have u already set up an account online, rick?

rick is your name really Amanda?
rick i will tell you my real name if you tell me yours

Amanda yes, my name is Amanda. is there anything else i may help u with about your concern today?

rick do you know if there are any sales coming up?
rick oh and my name i really rick
rick you passed the test
rick do you know if there are any sales coming up?

Amanda at this moment

rick or in a momment...
rick soon

Amanda we dont have any information about that, since our website is updated every now and then.

rick hmmmm
rick so what do you think?

Amanda yes, that's right.

rick should i wait?

Amanda so, are u planning to order the system now?

rick i should wait right?
rick or should i do it RIGHT NOW?
rick i am so confused?

Amanda i suggest u do it roght now so u
Amanda can have the system as early as possible.

rick good idea
rick yeah texas
rick how is the football team doing?

Amanda the promotion may change without any prior notice.

rick what promotion?

Amanda so, if u will be planning to order the system now, will u be using a debit card or credit card?
Amanda the promtions being offered online.

rick you are correct

Amanda what type of payment are u going to use?

rick i dont feel comfortable telling you that
rick no offense

Amanda oh okay.

rick "Amanda"
rick so whats next for you?

Amanda that's fine. was just confirming just to be sure u wont have any problem.

rick i wish you could help me with all my problems

Amanda do u have any plans of ordering a system online?

rick no
rick none at all
rick kidding
rick of course i do

Amanda okay.

rick thats how we first met
rick remember?

Amanda so, is there anything else i may help u?

rick you said, "Welcome to Dell Sales Chat. My name is Amanda. I'll be your personal sales agent today. What can i help u purchase today? "
rick you had me at "Welcome to Dell Sales Chat. "
rick this chick is cool
rick i never had a personal sales agent

Amanda i appreciate you being so nice rick, but all of our chats are documented and we need to keep our conversation in a professional manner.
Amanda we need to keep all the topics business related.

rick i understand

11-20-05 3:22pm
farting tax lifted: smelly assholes rejoice
yes, smelly assholes everywhere were feeling the sweet caress of "lady foul stench" today after mayor mcfancyguy repealed the much loathed and ultra controversial "farting tax".

the farting tax (originally introduced as an anal sex deterrent) forced residents to pay up to 70 cents for any gas, matter, or liquid expelled through the anus and up to 17 dollars for anything inserted, pumped or catapulted into the anus. the tax was finally repealed after more than half the community got diarrhea (caused by undercooked sausage at the 3rd annual cub scout jamboree pancake breakfast - this years theme was mork and mindy) and refused to pay the tax which would have left many of them bankrupt and using coarse generic toilet paper on their raw and sensitive assholes. "with this tax repealed we should be able to open up the old anal thermometer factory", said an elated woman,
"plus i can fart again which is awesome".

11-18-05 2:08am
open letter to the alien who probed me last night
ok first of all what happened to the regular guy? i mean you get used to a routine. you think you know exactly when to relax certain muscles and then bam! before i even had a chance to put on lionel richie's greatest hits you were up my ass like a soccer coach with a mustache in november.

well mr alien creature i have 6 words for you. I AM GLAD I HAD TACOS... MAN. and just so you know there will be know cuddling afterwards next time, because there will be no next time.
i said good day sir.

11-18-05 1:35am
Tiny crystals show early Earth had a crust: study (actual yahoo news headline)
see, i knew there was a reason i loved earth so much. it has a crust... wait, it HAD a crust. crust makes everything better. what is pie without crust? just a bunch of hot fruit if you ask me. and who likes hot fruit? people without refrigerators will tell you they do but they're lying.

this may be the reason there is so much strife in the world today. those who came before us ate all the crust and left us clinging to the mold on this giant slimy hot blueberry of a planet.
thanks people who came before us. thanks a lot.

11-18-0512:14am
finding the solution is the problem:
don't want to go to work tomorrow? want to party all night instead? just get really drunk and stay out till 4:00am. when you get up at 8:00am for work you will be so hung over you'll have to call in sick. the problem is the solution. and by the way, you're welcome.